Wednesday, May 19, 2021

Latest Arizona Vote Fraud Theory: Shredded Ballots Were Fed To Chickens Who Were Then Roasted To Destroy The Evidence (Which Follows Hugo Chavez's Beyond-the-Grave Machinations & North Korean Ballot Boats Sailing To Maine)

The Trump Cult was able to finagle a third recount of 2020 votes in Arizona. The first two recounts  confirmed the official count, but the GQP is hoping this farcical audit (aka "fraudit") conducted by a private, unaccredited company called Cyber Ninjas with no experience in verifying ballots (headed by a "Stop the Steal" loony) can somehow come up with some different numbers.

The Republican-controlled Maricopa County Board of Supervisors blasted the recount as a "sham" and "political theater" backed by "grifters and con-artists". That sounds about right. 

The ninjas are pretty clueless; they are having serious problems even counting to 200 - and they are expected to deal with millions of ballots. They have been busy examining ballots under a UV light looking for evidence of bamboo, which they believe will provide unimpeachable evidence that China interfered in the election and helped Trump lose. . . . Because the only place on earth you can find bamboo is in China (among groups of Biden-lovers) and everything exported out of China has lots of bamboo in it.

Also, "many people are saying" that inconvenient (i.e., pro-Trump) ballots were shredded by officials, who then fed the shredded ballots to chickens before roasting the chickens to destroy the evidence. I'm not making that up. Maricopa County Recorder Stephen Richer told CNN's Don Lemon:

The craziest conspiracy theory by far is that one of the board of supervisors who happens to own a very large chicken farm took ballots from the 2020 election, fed them to 165,000 chickens and then had them incinerated. Now, what actually happened is that this poor man had a serious fire at one of his barns and 165,000 chickens did die. But the idea that they had ballots inside of them — I mean, you know, and legitimate people indulge this. A prominent member of the state legislature indulged this in a conversation.

Why wouldn't they simply burn the ballots? Why bother with the chickens?

The Case of the Ballot-Eating Chickens is merely the latest loony conspiracy dreamed up by people who cannot fathom how a lifetime loser managed to lose an election.

Ballots were dumped in a river. This was announced by Trump and the White House press secretary. Where is the river? No one knows. When were they found? No idea. Who found the ballots? No clue.  Who dumped the ballots? Impossible to say. Where were the ballots taken from? I wish we knew. When were the ballots stolen? I can't tell you. Where are these soggy ballots now? No one knows.

Hugo Chavez helped rig the 2020 election (even though he died in 2013). The evidence [sic] for that is reportedly a heavily-redacted affidavit supposedly received by an anonymous former Venezuelan military official who allegedly saw Chavez allegedly playing around with an allegedly rigged Smartmatic machine many years ago. Conservative pundit Dave Rubin argued that Sidney Powell and Rudy Giuliani could not possibly be lying about this Chavez theory because "if they’re just making it up, then [they] are legitimately insane". Therefore, it must be true. . . . Case closed!

Crooked ballots were delivered by boat from North Korea to Maine. Roger Stone said on December 2, 2020 that he had "just learned of absolute incontrovertible evidence of North Korean boats delivering ballots through a harbor in Maine, the state of Maine. If this checks out . . . it would be proof of foreign involvement in the election."

It did not check out.

* * *

The Arizona Senate accused Maricopa County officials of deleting its entire database. Trump loudly echoed this claim. But it was a lie. One day after the County helpfully pointed out noted that the Ninjas were looking in the wrong place, the "deleted" files were suddenly "recovered". (Board of Supervisors Chairman Jack Sellers (May 17): "They can't find the files because they don't know what they're doing.")

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