Saturday, January 22, 2022

Crisis In America: The Woke Mob Has Made M&Ms Unfuckable

Bet you didn't think M&Ms were pushing intolerance, but they were, they've been changed. You're seeing those changes on the screen. The green M&M, you will notice, is no longer wearing sexy boots. Now she's wearing sensible sneakers. Why the change? Well according to M&Ms, "We all win when we see more women in leading roles. Because leading women do not wear sexy boots, leading women wear frumpy shoes. The frumpier the better. That's the rule.

The other big change is that the brown M&M has "transitioned from high stilettos to lower block heels", also less sexy. That's progress. M&Ms will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous. Until the moment you wouldn't want to have a drink with any one of them. That's the goal. When you are totally turned off, we've achieved equity. They've won. . . .

[And the orange M&M will] acknowledge and embrace his anxiety. And actually if you look at him, the orange M&M does appear very anxious. Maybe he doesn't like all the ugly new shoes he sees around him. Maybe he liked the sexy boots. Maybe the orange M&M is a secret sexist himself.
Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson is the most influential right-wing media commentator in the US. Tucker Carlson is angry at no longer being sexually aroused by cartoon candy mascots. His fantasies of taking a green M&M out for drinks (and more!) has been heartlessly crushed by the libs! Tucker Carlson is 52 years old.

But the man who Fox lawyers insisted in court could not be taken seriously by any "reasonable viewer" when it came to truth-telling was only one of FOUR Fox talking heads to voice outrage at being denied M&Ms as stroke material.
When I eat a bag of M&MS, do I wonder which color and shape best represents my identity? No, because it's [bleep]ing chocolate. . . . If you really truly want to make an M&M feel like they belong, you probably shouldn't be eating them. I mean, what kind of message does it send to children when you devour these non-binary bonbons?
Gutfield! also suggested updating the Three Musketeers by replacing their swords with protest signs. Jessie Watters suggested changing the names of other "offensive candies", such as "Hershey Consensual Kisses" and "Butt His Finger".

Sean "No More Stolen Election Talk. Ever." Hannity posted a tweet:
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