"We Have A Reality Show Host Who Will Not Accept Reality."

Late Nights

Jimmy Kimmel: 

We're basically ignoring the president of the United States like he's a crazy guy on a subway platform. He's ranting and raving, we just raise the volume on our AirPods and hope he doesn't shove us into an oncoming train. . . .

But even with all this tension, Trump has not lost his sense of humor. For instance, this morning he tweeted, "We will win!" Which is funny. We have a reality show host who will not accept reality. . . .

Trump's like the guy who puts 20 plays of "Achy Breaky Heart" on the jukebox before he leaves the diner. . . .

The directors of the F.B.I. and C.I.A. are also rumored to be on the chopping block. Some are saying that Trump is turning the administration into a banana republic, which, I don't know. To me, it feels more like a Baby Gap. . . .

We may soon find out the answer to the question, "Can a coup be pulled off by people who spell it c-o-o?"

Stephen Colbert:

One theory is that someone in the campaign mistook the venue for a luxury hotel. Embarrassing, but not the first time something like this has happened. After all, who can forget when F.D.R., Stalin and Churchill met at the Yalta Discount Toilet Emporium? "Flush de Führer!" . . .

Makes sense — the Trump campaign is somewhere between screwed and dead. . . .

Now, how this happened is unclear. My guess? Incompetence. . . .

[Biden's staff described the Trump campaign's efforts to undermine the results a "comedy of errors".] Yes, it's just like Shakespeare. The president's fraud claims are much ado about nothing, because he's pulling out these accusations of fraud right out of his Coriolanus. . . .

He is like a toddler too hopped up on sugar to go to bed. There's no reasoning with him at this point. You just have to let him tire himself out, wait until he falls asleep on the kitchen floor, and hope he hasn't conspired with the dog to stage a coup.

Jimmy Fallon:

Trump's like the guy who knows he's broke and still has the waiter run his credit card 10 more times. . . .

The press conference was located next to a sex shop and a crematorium. Honestly, that's about where you'd expect Giuliani to have a law office. . . .

You know you're in trouble when your master plan starts with "Get me Rudy Giuliani on the phone."

Seth Meyers:

The only thing missing from this scene was a store called "Metaphors 'r' Us." . . .

Dude, I would say the writing's on the wall, but you never built one.

Samantha Bee:

As much as we'd like to think that a Biden presidency will instantly solve America's problems, Trump will still exist and so will the base he fired up. He's also leaving enough filet-o-fish wrappers on the White House lawn that kids can jump in them like a pile of majestic autumn leaves.

Trevor Noah:

I mean, he wants to cling onto power as long as he can — and also, golfing isn't as much fun when you're not missing work to do it. . . .

I mean, it's bad enough for your boss to tell you to clean out your desk, but can you imagine if on the way to your desk the entire office was lining the hallways to boo you? . . .

Does Donald Trump really want denying the election results to be his legacy? Because I'd like to remember him as the president who kidnapped kids and helped kill 240,000 Americans, not for this. 

John Oliver:

[Oliver plays a clip in which Sophia Thomas, president of the American Association of Nurse Practitioners, tells Trump that increased production of personal protective equipment was sporadic (at best). Trump interrupts: "sporadic for you but not sporadic for a lot of other people … initially we had nothing, we had empty cupboards" left by the Obama administration.]

First, "sporadic for you, not sporadic for other people" is the literal definition of sporadic and second, his complaint that he had empty cupboards and shelves is slightly undercut by the fact that he'd been president for slightly more than three years when that conversation took place. If you move into an apartment and three years later there is still nothing in the cupboards, you don't get to blame the previous tenant when you're hungry. Go buy some fucking food. . . .

There was a mood here [after the election] that can only be described as a reverse 9/11, because it combined complete euphoria, an abiding disgust for Rudy Giuliani, and this time, people were actually dancing on the rooftops in New Jersey. It was a really good day. Never forget. . . .

After this absolute year of a week – the days of counting, the misinformation, the desperate, pathetic attempts to paint this process as fraudulent, the fact is Trump lost this election. He lost. All that bullshit which we've grown accustomed to seeing work did not work this time. And it's not like Trump and his family are going to stop. They're going to carry on grifting and lying like they've always done. But once he's out of the White House, it's just not going to have the same effect anymore. It's not going to directly impact every American's life. And that alone is fucking fantastic.